feel free to critique.
feel free to ask.
feel free to be free.
Posts tagged: forgotten
I wonder what I’m thinking when I say things aloud. I think that I have forgotten who I am.
Is that very bad for me?
That I have forgotten who I am, in order to be someone I’m not?
I feel like I have betrayed what I held dearest to my heart. How can I get that back?
Here’s the gist of it: my guy friend who I’m going out with, I guess, was talking with me yesterday. And he started talking about how there is a truth out there. An absolute truth, I guess (not the words he used- but the same concept. That something is 100%, undeniably true no matter what).
I started saying something about all truths being relative and he started saying that is what society has changed people into believing, and that it’s a misconception that there isn’t a true truth out there. (That’s the truth, Truth! I love that commercial haha).
But I digress. The point is that I didn’t care. I was just thinking, so what? Everyone has their own truths. It’s a fact. It’s a truth. It’s a truth to me. Maybe not to you. But to me it is. And it proves my point exactly. My truth, my belief, is that everyone can believe something to be true.
There are Muslims, Atheists, and Catholics who may each believe in something very different, but they believe it to be true. In each of their hearts, they have found the truth for themselves. While that may be the truth for them, it is not the truth for me. But I am not going to judge them for finding the wrong truth. Because I don’t know if there is a truth- or a right or wrong one at that. My ‘truths’ have changed over my life. Who’s to say they won’t change again? Who’s to say that I’m not wrong?
I guess, after thinking about it a little bit more, that perhaps the mere act of putting one’s own beliefs above someone else’s is self-righteous and -absorbed to me. It seems that you think you’re God of the World, or something, and you decide what’s best for everyone.
I don’t think that’s true. Perhaps the most influential piece in my reasoning is something my mother told me. ‘Don’t judge others for the way they worship. If what they’re doing brings them closer to God, it’s not your place to interfere. That’s between them and God, not you and them and God.’ That phrase she said keeps haunting me. I keep thinking about it.
I respect her opinions and that statement humbled me. I was being judgmental of someone, looking back I think it was the fact that Catholics ‘can’t’ pray directly to God, that they have to pray to someone on their behalf, but that fact was that I thought I was better than them. I was saying, in my mind, what a douche! Don’t they know that’s not true?
And then my mom said that. She was able to find the right words to talk me out of my self-grandiose prophecy. I don’t know what’s best for everyone. Who am I to walk out there in the world and say, hey you, what you’re doing? Yeah, it’s wrong. Sorry. Carry on.
So when my guy friend who I should probably call a boyfriend (although that feels very high-schoolish and immature of me, not a term I like) says this, I turn my defenses on. I start doubting us. Because I don’t know if I can stand a negative person in my life like that. Someone with that much influence can’t be negative for me. And that is a truth of my life.
Amazing didn’t forget about me after all, and we all went out with a group of friends today :’) I’m not forgotten, I love that feeling, that someone, somewhere, remembered you.
Like the feeling when someone does something just for you. Not for someone else. Something as simple as recommending their favorite book to you because they want to share it with you to something as big as buying you the whole world just because they felt like it.
Just because you were worth it.
Sometimes, it’s those little things that make you remember that there are people out there who care about you when it seems like no one does.
Other than that, I picked up bleach for my hair, so soon it will be just black and white-blonde, not black and pink and blue and orange and red.
The color will be missed, but it’s already fading out after only a month, and plus I want it to look nice for school in the fall. And I, especially, do not want to have to feel emasculated by pink hair and people asking too many questions.
So blonde white section in the front where I usually put color and black everywhere else.
Picked it up at Hot Topic today while I was out.
Less than one month till I’m off to college.
Silence staring me down, my bitter enemy
This ringing tone, this blank slate
I can break it, just one
touch
noise
call
name:
go.
Silence, shaking me through, my voice is lost
What can I say while sitting on ebony?
Nothing, so I strike.
Nothing, that’s not what they came for.
What did they come for, are they getting it yet?
I will sit and play and they will get what they deserve.
And so will I.
I can think: maybe they wanted a happy song,
Or something sad, sorry, and morose.
But some come for the pure noise,
Something to fill their empty heads.
Fingers crossed and stretched, waiting a split second
before taking off, down the tracks of white and black.
My heart is in this piece, spread thick like peanut butter
on the strings of my piano.
Every staccato short and sweet rings true in my ears,
every legato pure and strong.
My ties are held, my fermatas exaggerated long enough,
but not too long.
My fingers, my head, this piano, his song,
harmony reaches us all.
Third row, twelfth seat. The harmony stops here.
Why did you come? Did you really want to hear the music?
I think you came for other reasons.
The music has stopped, and you
are leaving.
Wait a while, there is one more pianist on the bill today.
She is very good. Wait one moment, but one
is too long a moment to wait when you are waiting.
I think you came to fill the empty silence
ringing in your head.
