I wonder what I’m thinking when I say things aloud. I think that I have forgotten who I am.

Is that very bad for me?

That I have forgotten who I am, in order to be someone I’m not?

I feel like I have betrayed what I held dearest to my heart. How can I get that back?

Here’s the gist of it: my guy friend who I’m going out with, I guess, was talking with me yesterday. And he started talking about how there is a truth out there. An absolute truth, I guess (not the words he used- but the same concept. That something is 100%, undeniably true no matter what). 

I started saying something about all truths being relative and he started saying that is what society has changed people into believing, and that it’s a misconception that there isn’t a true truth out there. (That’s the truth, Truth! I love that commercial haha). 

But I digress. The point is that I didn’t care. I was just thinking, so what? Everyone has their own truths. It’s a fact. It’s a truth. It’s a truth to me. Maybe not to you. But to me it is. And it proves my point exactly. My truth, my belief, is that everyone can believe something to be true.

There are Muslims, Atheists, and Catholics who may each believe in something very different, but they believe it to be true. In each of their hearts, they have found the truth for themselves. While that may be the truth for them, it is not the truth for me. But I am not going to judge them for finding the wrong truth. Because I don’t know if there is a truth- or a right or wrong one at that. My ‘truths’ have changed over my life. Who’s to say they won’t change again? Who’s to say that I’m not wrong?

I guess, after thinking about it a little bit more, that perhaps the mere act of putting one’s own beliefs above someone else’s is self-righteous and -absorbed to me. It seems that you think you’re God of the World, or something, and you decide what’s best for everyone.

I don’t think that’s true. Perhaps the most influential piece in my reasoning is something my mother told me. ‘Don’t judge others for the way they worship. If what they’re doing brings them closer to God, it’s not your place to interfere. That’s between them and God, not you and them and God.’ That phrase she said keeps haunting me. I keep thinking about it.

I respect her opinions and that statement humbled me. I was being judgmental of someone, looking back I think it was the fact that Catholics ‘can’t’ pray directly to God, that they have to pray to someone on their behalf, but that fact was that I thought I was better than them. I was saying, in my mind, what a douche! Don’t they know that’s not true?

And then my mom said that. She was able to find the right words to talk me out of my self-grandiose prophecy. I don’t know what’s best for everyone. Who am I to walk out there in the world and say, hey you, what you’re doing? Yeah, it’s wrong. Sorry. Carry on.

So when my guy friend who I should probably call a boyfriend (although that feels very high-schoolish and immature of me, not a term I like) says this, I turn my defenses on. I start doubting us. Because I don’t know if I can stand a negative person in my life like that. Someone with that much influence can’t be negative for me. And that is a truth of my life.