December 2011
2 posts
when the ceiling drops down and the floor drops...
Looking back on my old blog, I was reading about how I felt last year when Hue first asked me out and I was so against it. I had so much emotion against him. I was confused. I didn’t know what I wanted but even then I knew instinctively that he treated me right. I wrote that he treated me better than I deserved. I knew even then that he treated me better than I had ever been treated, or was...
forever love.
August 2011
5 posts
3 tags
Falling Short of the Great
I hate to think that all good things come to an end, but I have the feeling that they do.
That someday, things will end. That the truth will come out and you’ll leave me. That I’ll cause something bad to happen.
I don’t know. Part of me knows it’s not true that I’ll do something bad because of my OCD. I have these repetitive thoughts freaking me out that I’ll...
1 tag
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You don't know me
You don’t know me so don’t act like you do. You don’t know what it’s like when I have a panic attack and my thoughts spiral out of control. I can’t stop them and I can’t stop myself from becoming a creature of my mind, unmoving to the world but subject inside to the turmoil that makes tears come from my eyes as all you that look on try and understand why is she...
1 tag
“You’re waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you cannot be sure. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ll be together.”
8 tags
But in the end, with that person, it is only what...
I wonder what I’m thinking when I say things aloud. I think that I have forgotten who I am.
Is that very bad for me?
That I have forgotten who I am, in order to be someone I’m not?
I feel like I have betrayed what I held dearest to my heart. How can I get that back?
Here’s the gist of it: my guy friend who I’m going out with, I guess, was talking with me yesterday. And...
May 2011
2 posts
9 tags
Just saw Black Swan
…and I am so incredibly disturbed. Maybe it’s because I used to be a dancer. Or that I am so close to being crazy everything they depicted was too close to home. Everything that happened in that movie was so disturbingly real and straight-on to things that have happened in my life (no, I wasn’t the prima ballerina, I’m talking about the other things) that it made me freak...
4 tags
Never having a prom
How many of you out there never had a prom?
I guess this is just one of those things I regret missing from my high school experience. At my school we can only have juniors and seniors go to prom unless you’re invited- and I wasn’t invited my first two years haha.
So my junior year, I thought I would get to go to prom. But I wasn’t able to because I was in outpatient treatment...
April 2011
3 posts
2 tags
Soften a bit until we always get along
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever be happy with “normal”. If I’ll ever be able to accept things that aren’t crazy and out of routine- that I will be able to settle down into a monotony of day-to-day life.
That could be taken as a good or a bad thing.
Good because it means I am unique, unsettling. Someone you can’t pin down.
Bad because it means that I’m not...
every hello ends with a goodbye
5 tags
If You Love Someone...
Let them go. And if they don’t come back, they were never yours to begin with.
Somehow I think this statement is both true and false.
Love is not always a forever thing. I think for some people it might be, but for all you out there who go around throwing “love” to every other guy or girl you meet, it is not a forever thing. Obviously. So I think this isn’t true because...
March 2011
9 posts
My only regret is that I never found what I was looking for… someone who loved me.
9 tags
And the drama continues...
Sometimes I swear my life is like a story book. The quality, not to mention quantity, of drama exceeds that of the entire Lifetime movie network.
A couple of days ago, I posted about Mr. Z and GUY.
For those who don’t know, SYNOPSIS!! GUY is the guy who didn’t want me liking Mr. Z. Mr. Z is roommates with GUY. Mr. Z is of a questionable sexuality, if I haven’t mentioned that....
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Truly, madly, deeply, hopelessly.
In love.
With someone who will never love me back.
I guess this is something a lot of people can relate to, right? Because we all know someone who doesn’t love us like we love them. And how do I know this? Simple, it’s life.
And also because I made a list. I know things are serious when I make lists haha (or that I have insanely too much time during spring break)…
1. You give...
4 tags
Maroon Five has seen into my soul :O
I am in misery, there ain’t nobody who can comfort me, why won’t you answer me? The silence is slowly killing me.
Love that song :)
My fish, Mr. Moustache, also approves this message.
8 tags
My Short Novella. Being Just a Friend Sucks.
what could have been.
It seems like I’m pushing people away. Actually not, I’m pulling myself back. I could have had something beautiful. I could have everything I ever wanted. Maybe it wouldn’t be perfect, but I would have tried. And trying, rather than giving up, would have made it worthwhile. It would have given me peace of mind knowing I had given it even the slightest...
Text Buddy Application
Name:_________________ Age:_______ Sex:___
Phone Number:( )
DOB:__/___/___ Single:_________ Taken________
Texting Speed: BelowAverage___ Average___ AboveAverage____
::::::::::::::Yes or NO:::::::::::::::
Do You Send Nude Pic’s?
Do You Want Nude Pic’s?
Can I Text You When Ever?
Do You Wanna Be My New Text Buddy? :)
Do Want Me To Post This?
...
things i need
small rocks
paint
chalk
warm weather
would you give it up if i promise, boy, to you...
<speechless, lady gaga>
I need a friend :(
2 tags
You self destructive little girl, Pick yourself...
… Don’t Blame the World.
I screw things up. It’s kind of crazy how badly I can fuck up something that was going so well.
Like with people, I just can’t figure it out. Somehow, this time I don’t think it’s me.
When someone’s your friend, they don’t try and pick out your faults and find demeaning ways of arguing with you. They don’t do things...
February 2011
1 post
6 tags
Love inthepresent Tense
I’m reading Gang Leader for a Day for my sociology. It’s actually very good; it makes you think of things in a way that’s different from whatever you might have assumed. It reminds you that there are two sides to every story. I mean, the guy really does have literary merit. He knows how to persuade and to tell a really good story. I want to keep reading.
However, it reminded me...
January 2011
2 posts
tattoo yo
I has one.
3 tags
2010 has slipped away from me
What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Texted, had a phone of my own that I actually used on a (too) regular basis talking/texting people, had a boyfriend, abstained from self injury for more than 4 months, and ended up in another state hundreds of miles away not knowing how I got there or what I was doing, and I became an adult! 18 all the way baby! :D haha
Did you keep your new...
December 2010
5 posts
Relllllationshipsss
You can take up all my time cause you’re the only one who can make the stormclouds break…
<love like woe…the ready set>
I love the idea of being in a relationship. Like really, I do. Truly. But then I think about it and it’s like… well that’s a helluva lot of work. I’d rather have a relationship that’s like someone being my best friend and I...
Tell Me What You Want to Hear, Something to Light...
I’m gonna give all my secrets away…
<secrets, OneRepublic>
See, the problem here is it is only 5:19 pm and it is completely dark out already. Not even six o’clock and the sky is black!!!! :O
Yesterday was my birthday, and it was also the winter solstice, which means nights will be getting shorter and shorter until summer at least.
I guess some people don’t...
hicallmejude asked: Can we be friends?
Anonymous asked: OOO your going NIU??? I'll be attending there next year!!
Is is a slip or a relapse?
You know, it makes me feel alone when no one cares.
It makes me feel alone when I don’t have someone to talk to.
It makes me feel like I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You know what?
I’m going to go out.
I’m going to take some time to myself and take a break.
I’m going to go walking and I’ll come back in a while.
I will be back, I promise this to Uncle...
September 2010
1 post
Waiting
I’ve been waiting for years to tell someone, to remember.
Now that I remember, I want to forget.
Now that I can tell someone, I want to be silent.
We only want what we can’t have.
August 2010
12 posts
5 tags
I am sure to lose and I will suffer...
Sell my soul to make a profit, all I have to do is make believe.
Love that song.
And I realize that I don’t need him in my life for me to be a person. I can be anyone I want to be without defining myself in him.
I realize that I will always love him, I will always want it all back, but in the end I know what’s right and it’s not this.
Someday, I will understand.
And that is...
3 tags
Day Twenty Three
Yeah, by now I’m definitely not doing these things in order.
But I’ll do day 23 today, 8 ways to win my heart. :)
Let’s start simple.
1. Don’t hate me.
No, seriously. Don’t even joke about hating me around me unless you really mean it. I’m a vulnerable person and I want to be loved. If I love you, I don’t want you to tell me you hate me or hate the...
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lost and found
So I have created a lost and found in my dorm, in my drawer.
I will put things I lose in there so they will not be lost anymore and then they will be found.
Hence the name, lost and found drawer.
:)
3 tags
I feel like I'm being torn apart...
I don’t know where to turn to, I don’t know where I’m going to go. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, and I don’t know how I got here in the first place. I feel like this was all a mistake.
There’s a reason people don’t graduate until they’re 18 or 19. It’s because they need time to mature and be more sure of themselves before they leave their...
2 tags
COLLEGE COUNTDOWN
Last college countdown for the week… there’s two days left now and then I’m gone :) But I’ll still be on here and on my facebook to talk to people!!
Loving using child labor as a means to get out of...
We have black mold growing in our ceiling. Which would be pretty scary to have to clean out and remove….
Except this is in exchange for grounding!
My parents love child labor :’) don’t know what they would do without it.
(and yes it’s child labor because I’m not yet 18 and that was a toxic substance soo… Yeah.)
8 tags
T-Minus 12 Days and Counting
College countdown continues with only 12 days left. It feels like such a short time and I’ll finally be away from home.
I sometimes wonder if I should regret leaving high school early and going to college kind-if-close-to-home.
Then I remember. When your car is keyed and someone leaves you a death threat, it’s not a good sign.
They want you gone, one way or another.
So...
what-is-this-i-dont-even asked: Thank you for following :)
whywhywhy?
Every time I type “bought” in my texts my phone automatically tries to correct it to naught.
Seriously?
Who uses the word “naught” in a text message?
I wuz going to sendz u the pix of ur bf with his head down the toilet after last nite… buuuut then I thought naught.
What even?
6 tags
College Countdown... something like 17 days left!!
Ok, someone needs to tell me where all the time went… because yesterday I swear it was about fourhunderedbajillion days away, and now it’s only 17 days away.
How will I find time to buy new contact solution for my room!??
No, really, it was all the time I needed and then I lost it.
But in better news my laptop is on its way finally, after about a month of waiting. And guess where...
July 2010
50 posts
4 tags
Freakshow
College countdown: 18 days left. Horribly depressed right now. Two songs that were keeping my mood up aren’t being able to be retrieved from my iTunes. Fuck all Apple products. Fuck my life. Very cold, even though it’s like 80 degrees out. Wearing all the blankets. Addicted to Gatorade, possibly going through withdrawal. Gatorade has become the only constant in my life. Sad, sad...
23 more days
Only 23 days left. Not much tonight other than going to the MOST AWESOME PLACE EVER!!!!!!!!! :D excited much?
10 tags
Countdown 24 days me thinks...
I’m losing count… partially because it’s about 12 am and I don’t know what day to count that as.
So whatever.
In the meantime, I get to get all my money and scholarships together and take it in to the Bursars office. Fun :P Maybe even buy my books! Or perhaps just visit the general vicinity of where my dorm should be according to the map and stare at the building...
9 tags
25 days and counting...
… I should stop using elipses. They leave me… lacking something.
Lol I don’t know, I just use them too much. They get up people’s hopes, like OMG WHAT IS THIS THERE ARE THOSE THREE DOTTY THINGS IN A ROW AND THEY’RE SOO TELLING ME I SHOULD READ MORE TO FIND AWESOMENESS!!!!1!!11!!one!
And then they find this shittyness, so… Oh well. Sorry if I got your hopes...
jxntry asked: thank you for following!
9 tags
College Countdown and suprise hospitals
Lol I got my own hospital ID bracelet again~ I collect these things like little kids used to collect pokemon cards…
Anyhow, I almost fainted in the store which was bad so I got to visit the ER! And the people there are a lot cheerier than the normal doctors so they were all “hello welcome to the hospital! *smile* *smile* “
And it was strange, usually they’re all “yo...
2 tags
Countdown 27 days...
27 days until college…
it waits, it waits.
meanwhile, listen to motion city soundtrack.
they are wonderful :)
Living a lie
I just can’t make it, there’s something wrong with me that I can’t do this.
Once an addict, always an addict.